How my spouse and I in a blended family, have resolved tension in my family regarding our children’s education.

A newly formed blended family can and will be a challenge often, but it can be a unique and loving relationship.

How you get along with your stepchildren will affect a variety of dynamics. It will take commitment, open heart, and forgiveness to bring people together surviving, sometimes through conflicts. 

However, I'm meant to understand that there are a tiny fraction of families that don't experience these.

Here are some tips that can work for you as it did for me.

I am mindful of expectations.

Honestly, no stepchildren will openly expect you when you come into their lives to love and respect you from the onset. Anger, hurt and resentment can lead to undelivered expectations because you had unforeseen this controversy.

One particular time I had expected my stepchild to be performing better in school and I was upset about it since the results were deteriorating. I took a moment to ask myself these questions:      

• Was I unrealistic or fair?

• Did this particular child know that I had this expectation about them?

• Can we discuss this as a family?

Remember, you have no control over exceptions for others to feel or behave in a certain way.

The lesson I learned was to be mindful of my stepchild.

I took steps to change within myself, how to respond to my stepchild about the issue at hand because I didn't like my response.

I should not be hard on them and I also realized as a parent, I too have exceptions but I don't always fulfill it 100 %.   

Identify my Intentions 

Your spouse or partner might have different intentions about the child's education. At this particular time, my spouse, the biological parent, was least bothered about the child dropping out of school and taking a gap year from college.

My intentions were that this child should be out of the house as soon as possible away in college somewhere. 

Competing expectations and intentions occurring with my spouse in my marriage brought about conflict.

I communicated with my spouse about it and even sought therapeutic help to find common ground. 

Remember why you are there.

The stepchildren often broke the rules. They were physically aggressive, disrespectful and I often felt trapped.

Out of love, I chose this person to be my spouse and decided to come together and create a beautiful blended family.

Asking myself the why reminds me it's a choice I made and I will continue pressing on. 

Communication

To avoid conflict between two parents down the road boils down to one thing, communication. From the onset, we ( my spouse and I) had a discussion ahead of time on the beliefs, values, and discipline.

If no consultation was held, it would have created conflict between us the parents and it would have flown down to the relationship between children.  

I can attest that communication between my spouse and me will be essential for my family's success in all situations. 

Bottom line.

Blended families, too, have advantages of a unique family structure. Learn to appreciate the value of every family member. It is hard to adjust at first, but it can work out.

What is working for me now is that I have a stable marriage, but this one will be different, considering its not like first marriages. Respect one another from the children to the adults.

A few years down the line, my blended family will grow naturally and the members will feel close to one another because of choosing to spend more time together.